I've posted this in the past but here are my REAL astrological men types +++ OZYMANDIAS9/13/2014 12:24AM
clearly i take it very srsly
regardless of when your birthdate is (it DOESN'T MATTER), you probably find men fit into one of these personalities. here is who to avoid. I saved it from years ago when I was mad.
SAGITTARIUS: the stoners of the zodiac. they are all matthew mcconaughey. they will never get jealous because they don't really invest emotionally in anything. tend to avoid conflict. don't worry about things like foot odor or pooping with the door open.
CAPRICORN: control freak anaI retentive weirdos who are very affected by women but also too straightlaced to really open up to them. they hate talking about sex and want you to make the first move but then aren't sure what to do when you finally initiate it for them. then they avoid you because they are embarrassed of their behavior. they tend to be really particular about cleanliness so if you get your period on their sheets you better run. AVOID.
AQUARIUS: space cadets who constantly forget their keys and blame other people for ‘distracting them’. think of themselves as weird and will drag you to every 'original' music event you don't want to go to and will act sanctimonious if you aren't interested. accidentally douchey in front of your parents. no real emotional connections to anyone, and tend to lack legitimate friends.
PISCES: mopey, depressive types who want to be 'saved' by manic pixie dreamgirls and view other relationships as existential wastes of time. typically into music and into the arts but have no actual talent, which they then lament by writing about it and keeping a tumblr. want to be 'affected' by someone but once they are will question it and doubt whether it's real. AVOID.
ARIES: loud, arrogant d*ckweeds whose primary use for you is to show you off to friends and to eliminate the need to chase new pssy on tuesday nights. secretly they like you but want you to know you are disposable. tend to smell good but are otherwise devoid of intellect. they do not want to talk about your feelings for any reason. AVOID.
TAURUS: stubborn, tough, rugged bros. they are the chevy truck month of the zodiac, in that they are relatively dependable, consistent, and worthwhile, but have nothing really interesting to say.
GEMINI: the worst. will come on really strong, sexually exciting, smart, LOVE YOU TO DEATH, but then get scared and run away from you on principle. it's not that they aren't into you, it's that they always have two sides, and periodically think they should indulge the other one because they are stupid. prone to doubt, anger, insecurity, and infidelity. AVOID.
CANCER: blubbery, passive (and passive-aggressive) mamas boys who are into tits and really want you to be on top. they make good husbands because they always want you to be happy, but are asshoIes because they still make you responsible for all their FEELINGS and trust me there are many.
LEO: succubus of attention. no matter what you give them they will need more of it. not a good partner, unless you are literally a repository of sexual energy and are ok with them cheating on you but 'really loving you deep down'. AVOID.
VIRGO: quiet, weird, disaffected people who seem like they hate you and are judging you at all turns. bizarre sexual hangups. refuse to believe you like them. understand people very well but refuse to engage with you when you're mad.
LIBRA: whiny, liberal optimists who think monogamy is 'unnatural'. want to be ‘fair,’ but usually being fair means being a huge ****. biggest hypocrites on the zodiac. drives a subaru with an OBAMA 2012 sticker that has mcdonalds fries in the cupholder.
SCORPIO: jealous, suspicious, intense people. are either pretending not to like you or are secretly obsessed with you and smelling your underwear in the dark. sex is like eating you alive. they like you to smell musky. they will kill you when you break up, or send you 20 text messages in a row of tim mcgraw lyrics. AVOID.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
No comments:
Post a Comment